If I Were Dictator...
- News Interview
Host: Good evening, I’m Trevor Larue. Tonight on Progressive Fox Hunt, we have as our guest Rick Salubrious, who is running for the office of The One Mighty and Strong. He is the nominee of the Fit Utopian Nationalists (FUN) Party. Tell us more about your party, Mr. Salubrious?
Rick: Thank you, Trevor. Our philosophy is that a fit citizenry deserves fit leaders.
Host: So, Mr. Salubrious, what does your party want to do about public health?
Rick: Health
We will have International Health Insurance. You can go to the best doctor, MD or naturopath, anywhere in the world for the best price.
Everyone will have a chip implanted to monitor overall health. You can have diagnostics performed for both body and motor vehicle at any garage.
All drugs and herbal supplements will be legalized and covered by insurance. Big Pharma will have to lower prices in order to compete.
To eliminate racial differences and promote hybrid vigor, everyone will donate their sperm and eggs to a National Fertility Clearinghouse. Genetically fit couples will then receive implants of genetically fit zygotes. No one will know the race, or sex, of the fetus beforehand. Every birth will be a surprise.
If there are still unwanted children, my EBaby National Auction Service will take care of that.
Schizophrenics will be given Bluetooth ear sets to wear, so they won’t be stigmatized.
No more fat people. All generators will be human-powered, using treadmills, ellipticals, stationery bikes, etc.. No sweat, no juice. The smart grid that smarts.
To protect ourselves from global warming, a giant, self-healing membrane will be constructed around the earth, filtering out the bad stuff and keeping the good stuff in, like moisture. We will call our planet Terrarium Firma.
Host: What about immigration?
Rick: Immigration
Under the Even Fairer Boundaries Initiative, anyone living in the Western Hemisphere, from Baffin Island to Tierra del Fuego, is declared a US citizen, since the US will be annexing the land anyway. We’ll call ourselves the Transamerican Commonwealth.
Host: Foreign aid?
Rick: Foreign Aid
No more something for nothing. If they can’t pay us back, then we will claim prime real estate, which will be used as either nature preserves or homelands for stateless ethnic groups and tribes, complete with their own casinos.
And while we’re at it, let’s take unwanted dogs, cats, horses and other pets out of the shelters and put them on people’s plates where they belong.
Host: Defense?
Rick: Defense
Every able-bodied person will be drafted for national service,. Think how many millions will then be in shape, engaged in public works and humanitarian projects.
Nuclear warheads will be converted into reactors for unmanned exploratory drones sent into deep space, forming an interstellar communications relay. Can you imagine all the E.T.’s gawking at all of those UFOs sent from earth? We’ll settle this Area 51 mystery stuff once and for all.
Host: Crime?
Rick: Criminal Justice
By decriminalizing drugs, there will be less need for jails and prisons. For incorrigible fraudsters and gangsters, they will be extraordinarily renditioned to trouble spots like Waziristan and Somalia, where they can try fighting their way back out.
Host: What about special legislation?
Rick: Lawmaking and Governance
No more gridlock. The 535 members of House and Senate will engage in sports tournaments to see whose legislation advances. Cage Fighters for Congress! CSPAN ratings will go through the roof!
The bidding process for government contracts will be transparent. Now, contractors will have to compete for best entertainer in a Survivor-like reality series. Survival of the funniest!
People will no longer be prosecuted for public indecency. Instead, we will arrest for aesthetic offenses, if they don’t look good naked.
There will be no censorship unless critics, on their own, can come up with a more entertaining replacement.
All marriages will come with renewable warranties. Younger men will be required to marry older women, so there are fewer widows, and better mutual orgasms.
Host: International relations?
Rick: Diplomacy
International disputes will be resolved by gladiator competitions between leaders of the respective countries. For competing religious fundamentalists, they will be only allowed to compete against other fundamentalists to see whose God is better. If you want your side to win, elect somebody who’s buff. No more sending young men and women in harm’s way to save a potentate’s fat backside.
Host: How about our schools?
Rick: Education
Schools will emphasize vocational skills. Kids will learn via interactive, networked gaming. Lots of time for recess. For those who prefer the arts and humanities, practical skills will be emphasized, like how to look hot while performing a concerto, or modern pole dancing.
Student athletes, artists, researchers, and scientists will all have something in common: they’ll all get paid for their work.
Host: What about affordable housing and the homeless problem?
Rick: Housing
Abandoned dwellings will be given rent-free to low-income and homeless individuals. They only will only be required to maintain the property, brew biofuels, and grow fruits, vegetables, grain, and mood-enhancing crops, in order to be self-sustaining.
Host: What about our energy needs? Our infrastructure? How are you going to put people back to work?
Rick: Transportation, Energy and Jobs
We will have state-of-the-art express trains competing with the airlines. Whoever gets there first, the loser pays the fare. We’ll move freight and passengers lickety split.
We will revolutionize agriculture. Empty lots will become community gardens. Everyone will be allowed to raise fruits, vegetables, herbs and hallucinogens on their property, rented or owned. In addition, everyone will be allowed to make his own ethanol and biodiesel from manure, garbage and yard waste. Think of all those engines running on methane or moonshine! This will stimulate the entrepreneurial spirit.
Public lands will be leased for mineral extraction and other commercial uses under the following conditions:
- The lands must be ugly to look at.
- The developers provide their own water.
- They leave the lands looking prettier afterward.
All sewers and landfills will be providing us fuel and fertilizer for our agricultural needs.
Host: Looks like we’re out of time. Any final words?
Rick: Vote for Rick for DIC-tator!
2. Campaign advertisement
Good morning. I’m Rick Salubrious. That’s SALUBRIOUS, not lugubrious or dubious, as some of my opponents allege. I’m the Fit Utopian Nationalist, or FUN, Party nominee for the One Mighty and Strong. I’m a biogeneticist by occupation, and grew up on a family farm. We’re going to address our biggest national problem. It’s not what you think it is. I call it the Four F’s: Factory Farm Fed Fatties. Our solution is giving the opposition fits.
FAMILIES
First, we need to fix families. We’ll let everyone who wants to marry, but not everyone will be allowed to have kids. All marriages will come with renewable warranties. To ensure healthy offspring, eggs and sperm will be contributed to a National Fertility Clearinghouse. The best genes from all over the world will be mixed and matched to produce babies who are athletic, ambitious, attentive, allergy-free, lean and long. They’ll be resistant to cold, heat and humidity, and of one, composite race. Parent’s will have to qualify for these IVT designer babies. Those having them the old-fashioned way will have to take care of them properly, or they’ll be auctioned off on EBaby. No more unwanted, abused kids. And to make sure there are happily married couples, each marriage will come with a renewable warranty. This is our No Zygote Left Behind Campaign.
EDUCATION
To make sure kids are properly educated, they’ll all be placed on communal farms where they can learn hard work and practical skills like animal husbandry, crop management, maintaining machinery, veterinary science, energy-efficient housing, alternative energy, composting and mulching. In addition, they’ll learn first aid, wilderness survival, hunting, fishing, and navigating by the stars. Only those with physical limitations will be so-called knowledge workers. We’ll have the best broadband available for everyone who wants it, but they’ll be able to handle themselves without it, too. Our Brain Drain will be turned into a Grain Gain.
HEALTH
How are we going to keep people healthy? Everyone will have a diagnostic chip implanted. You can find out the maintenance schedule for you and your vehicle at any garage. Everyone will have International Health Insurance. You can go to the best doctors anywhere in the world for the best price. And your drugs will be cheap, too. No more illegal drugs. No more herbal remedies that aren’t covered. If what gets you high also heals you, no questions asked.
What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
ECONOMY
How are we going to get people working again? Let’s ask ourselves: What have Americans always been good at? Farming and fighting. What was our greatest historic achievement? Building the Transcontinental Railroad. We’ve been deindustrializing for 40 years now, so Why not go back to our glory days? The first step is to impose a universal selective service, so everyone can get in shape, learn how to defend themselves, and persuade the rest of the world to open up their agricultural markets. Instant full employment! Second, all unused and abandoned properties will be turned into organic community farms, where people can raise their own livestock, vegetables, fruits, grain, hallucinogens and biofuels. We’ll take out those useless lawns and flower gardens and grow something we can eat. To conserve water, farms will employ drip systems and recycle graywater. We’ll all learn to use waterless, biodigesting latrines which my engineers will render sweet-smelling and bug free. Lastly, our crops will be shipped on state of the art bullet trains, running on biodiesel, solar, wind and natural gas. You’ll soon be able to go anywhere you want in the continental US by express train. If they don’t get you there before cars, buses and planes do, your fare is free. Our boots will no longer be on the ground; they’ll be magnetically levitated.
HOMELESS
There’ll be no more homeless. All these abandoned and foreclosed houses around the country will provide shelter for the needy. The new tenants will only have to maintain the property and turn useless lawns and yards into food and fuel-yielding fields. We’ll call them E-victory Gardens. There will be no more euthanizing of stray pets, either. I’ll make sure they’re taken out of those shelters and put on people’s dinner plates, where they belong.
CRIME
We’re gonna pardon everyone jailed for minor drug offenses, so we can jump start our medicinal herbs industry. Those who remain a menace to society, like murderers, rapists and predatory lenders, will have to make a decision. We won’t provide free room and board anymore. If you can’t work for your keep, you will be harvested for organs, used for medical research, or sent to a foreign prison, where they will know how to deal with your kind . If folks want foreign aid, they’ve got to discipline some troublemakers for us. We call it the Hoods for Goods Exchange.
DEFENSE
So, what about defense? First off, I want to get rid of those pesky nukes worldwide. We’ll take all of these warheads and radioactive waste and use them to power remote sensing missiles, which will be launched into deep space. Why? So the huge worldwide UFO community will know once and for all where those E.T.’s are and what they’re up to. And they’ll happily pay for the whole program. We call it the Nukes for Kooks Alliance.
FOREIGN POLICY
Next, we’re going to solve our immigration problems. For starters, everyone living from Baffin Bay to Tierra del Fuego, from Brazil to the Bering Sea becomes an automatic citizen of the Transamerica Commonwealth. We’ll secure our borders by extending them. I call this the Even Fairer Boundaries Initiative.
I’m going to handle international disputes and even make them entertaining. If countries disagree, their leaders will personally settle their differences via a single-elimination, ultimate fighting tournament. No more wusses will be elected heads of state. Similarly, I propose that we require our own lawmakers to do the same. No more gridlock. Just headlocks. C-SPAN ratings will go through the roof. Everyone will want to know how their cage fighting congressman is doing. Pay per View Politics!
No more free military assistance to other countries. If they want US protection, they’ve gotta pay for it. We’ll have the finest mercenary army in the world. If they ain’t got the do-re-mi, we’ll just confiscate some prime real estate, which we’ll use for relocating stateless peoples, complete with their own casinos, so they can be self-sufficient. I will call this Ethnic Friendsing.
Last of all, I’m going to keep our enemies well-fed by exporting all of that factory farm fodder and processed junk food overseas. Let our foes get cholesterol, strokes, hypertension and diabetes instead. Let them OD on antibiotics, preservatives, herbicides, pesticides, hormone-fed livestock and high fructose corn syrup. They’ll be too lethargic to want to fight us anymore. It will be a food fight that actually gets us peace.
ENERGY
Lastly, what about our so-called energy crisis? We have the largest resource in the world. It’s called body fat. We have fat to burn. Every home will convert to human-powered generators. If you aren’t cranking, pedaling, lifting, pulling, climbing, or treading, you get no juice. I call it the Sweat Equity Grid.
CONCLUSION
There you have it. A fitness plan which will give us a fit constituency and fit leaders. Vote for FUN! Vote Rick for DIC-tator!
